thesuperficial

stoops, you have not logged on all day. which is a good thing because i had a virus earlier and was trying to send it to everybody on my buddy list. not that i had the virus exactly. it's a long story. actually, it's not long so much as not worth telling.

you say hedonistica articles seem to resemble my flavor? go to thesuperficial. first of all, it's all about celebrities - mainly the hot female ones. the guy is so caustic, he does something that would signify the epitome of acidity. let's say he bursts into flame if exposed to sunlight. unless they're maintained by the same person or people, and then i'm just an idiot.

i could quote lines from there that made me cackle with misanthropic glee all day. in fact, i will.

Britney Spears is having a baby girl.
in reference to britney spears and whoever her husband is raising a child.
This kid would have a better chance being raised by hungry wolves, but if Britney and Kevin have to get one, thank God it’s gonna be a girl. They would have screwed up a boy or a girl, but at least a girl will act on her emotional emptiness by stripping in 18 years and four months. As opposed to them torturing a boy with their insane, spoiled antics, in which case he would be the one carjacking me in 15 years or approaching me in a truck stop bathroom and asking if I wanted to “party”.

in the same article, after showing some pictures of saggy britney.
Just a little reminder of what Kevin has done to this girl. And why you need to throw a rock at him if you see him before I do. But if you do see him, and he's rubbing his head as if he just got hit by a rock, it's cool, I found him.

From Paris Hilton is not that rich.
It would be easy to call Paris Hilton a money hungry tramp. And fun too, so here I go: Paris Hilton is a money hungry tramp who has every advantage at her disposal and still only manages to look like a tarted up hussy. At best. At worst she looks like something from the valley in the 80‘s whose hair was stiff and sticky and not because of hair gel. And by “at worst” I mean “every day of her life”.

i could have written this same paragraph, just not as well. it's about miss universe 2005.
I meant to post this last week when it was actually relevant and timely, but I was too busy getting distracted by insanely hot pictures of Jessica Simpson in a bikini and Jessica Alba in a see through dress. And by distracted I mean masturbating. And by masturbating I mean masturbating furiously. [the furiously was already in italics before i italicized the passage. he was masturbating _hard_]

from The Superficial Interview: April Scott, a smoking chick with a 4.083 gpa in college.
Quite frankly, I could have done without that. It’s charming as hell that April is so damn smart and genuinely sweet, but it wrecked the original idea which was to just ask her if she would have sex with me over and over and over until she caved, or at least ask wildly offensive and inappropriate stuff like “I heard your gynecologist sent you a dozen roses one time. Is that true?”

Britney Spears not in Playboy. Yet.
Playboy must have spent my subscription money on a time machine because Britney has pretty much looked like hell for two years now. Playboy could just open a thing of poppin-fresh dough, dress it like a tramp then put Britney’s picture and a lit cigarette at the top and it would pretty much be the same thing. I’d rather see my grandfather naked then Britney. The girl in the pics below is gone. She could have glow-in-the-dark tentacles and a forked tongue now and not look any worse, so how about we turn our focus to new hotties like April Scott. I was on April’s website and I saw a picture of her ass, and then I stabbed myself in the eyes so I could go out with one perfect image. Totally worth it dude. Uhh, wait, I mean … tigksisdfdfj kgkqweokdgkgo.

Lindsay Lohan removes freckles
Star Magazine, the bastion of all that is true, is reporting that Lindsay Lohan may have gotten her freckles removed as part of her plan to change her appearance and be taken more seriously as an adult. Also part of her plan, losing her once fantastic breasts and looking like a crack-addicted whore.

I don't think we even need to report on Lindsay anymore. We can just release periodic updates that say "Lindsay Lohan still insane" and move on with our lives. Which, if you're anything like me, means having sex with hundreds of supermodels. At once. [why can't i unitalicize once?]