chuck norris

here are the top thirty facts, as sorted by me: (followed by its rank on the hedonistica link, done by voting apparently)

1) Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. (1)

2) Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. (5)

3) As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. (14)

4) Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. (10)

5) Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." (23)

6) Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. (21)

7) Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. (22)

8) They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody. (13)

9) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. (11)

10) Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. (12)

11) Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. (8)

i think they get noticeably weaker after this

12) To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. (15)

13) According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. (26)

14) At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris. (30)

15) If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. (6)

16) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. (19)

i don't even like the rest. not much agreement between me and the voters, either.

also interesting: chuck norris has responded to these "facts" on his official website. what a guy. remember, without him the average joes would have been forced to forfeit to globo gym. "fucking chuck norris..."'

also, i love how conan is over a year ahead of everyone else with his chuck norris fascination. when vivendi universal acquired NBC he was at the forefront with his patented walker texas ranger lever. good times.