here's a temporary panopticon, of sorts. you want a window into my thoughts? well, you shouldn't. and i don't think you ought to read what's coming, unless you're jess, or you want to know how much i hate you. if you're completely honest with yourself and you really are my friend, go ahead.

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are you sure you want to read it?

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you probably shouldn't.


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i really mean it.

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ok, here goes. get ready to hate me.


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i realized tonight, or rather, it became crystal clear, since i really have thought this for a while: i hate almost all of my friends. maybe hate isn't the right word, though. i despise them. sometimes i absolutely can't stand being around any of them and just need to leave. i don't know what it is. maybe i'm not cool, or i'm not likable, or i am an asshole, but i think it's because i don't have this magical ability to start bleating and eating grass, otherwise known as fitting in.
i don't detest most of my friends individually. it is when they all get together and act as this one disgusting unit that i become nauseous.

why are these people my friends, anyways? because some computer randomly picked us to live on the same floor? what kind of bullshit is that? i used to think i was so lucky to have been placed by chance onto a floor with such cool and generally good people. but i barely have anything in common with most of them.

so what am i left with. the frisbee team? these people are my friends because they also enjoy throwing around a piece of plastic? well, i guess i have one thing in common with them, for sure. that's better than these fucks from carman 10. but, some of these people on the team, i completely and totally hate even more. funny enough, every case is because of someone from carman 10. sasha, i can't stand the sight of you. whenever you say something, i want to tear out your tongue and shove it down your fucking throat. whenever you grin, i want to take a brick and smash you in the face with it until your head is a combination of blood and more blood. mike liu, i feel sick just looking at you. i don't want to, i liked being your friend, but now hearing you talk makes me want to vomit.

i had a great spring break freshman year in montreal with 3 friends from my floor and one friend from home who shared our break. i had a really awesome time sophomore year with maybe 10 people from my floor, despite housing issues. junior year wasn't such a big deal, i chose woodbridge to avoid being left out. then housing for senior year. i hate everyone now because of that. except judy, because she actually made a big deal about me hating her and made me feel bad about it. towards everyone else, i still hold this resentment that will never go away.

so what am i supposed to do on spring break next year? go with the frisbee team? cuz there's no fucking way i'm going with the same shitty crowd as before. but i don't want to spend any time with some of the fucks i hate on the team. maybe it'll be enough people that i won't have to. i think i will end up being angry and not having fun.

what is with that drunken lesbian slut orgy shit? it's terrible. i used to joke about that sort of thing in my typical crude, offensive fashion, but i can't anymore, because i've seen it and it sickens me. 2 girls making out? makes me want to be somewhere else. if any party even begins to start looking like it might possibly be going in that direction, i'm leaving.

speaking of offensive, karen "complimented" me tonight, by first asking me for permission to be drunk, and then thanking me for being offensive, but keeping it real. so i got a compliment nestled within an insult. or an insult nestled within a compliment. either way, what the fuck? if you want to say something nice, say the nice part. you can leave out the insults. thanks, i guess.

so i guess i'm just a crude, offensive, asshole, insulting piece of shit. without any friends. not any that i want, or like, anyways. i miss my friends from back home, who i got along with without trying, and who i could hang out with without being thought of as a crude, offensive, asshole, insulting piece of shit.

i think i'm done, for now. i'm pretty sure i left some stuff out of this rant by accident, i forgot it before i could get it down on paper, or type it, or whatever, but that's probably for the best.

for anyone who is really my friend, yeah, this isn't directed at you. for anyone who tells me to grow up, fuck you.