Thursday, October 07, 2004

it's late

almost everyone i know is more than four hours away by car. everyone has gone to sleep and i have not. it's a weird feeling, and it only gets weirder every night that it happens.

is this only a temporary thing? or will the rest of my life be like this? a lot of the time i swim against the tide on purpose, because i hate doing what everyone else is doing. i hate new york; that is clear. but if i had felt ambivalent about it, i am sure that the fact that most of my friends stayed there would have been enough for me to want to get out.

i don't think i'd be able to move to a place because someone i like lives there. i'm pretty sure i'd have to be the first to settle (some place that i know is cool before it becomes cool), and i would need people to come to me. that's the way i always am. it's why all of my friends would hang out at my house in high school. it's why i always have a tv and all the video games, so i don't need to go somewhere else. so there's no reason for me to leave my room, and reason for people to come visit me. it's why i threw parties. it's why i organized dinners and movies and so on.

i wonder if it's a control thing? i'm not sure. but i know that i do hate trusting other people's judgment. leaving decisions up to other people? not a good idea in general.

i need to stop drinking jasmine tea at night. but it's so good. and once i brew one cup i might as well brew more. and it doesn't feel unhealthy. but it must have a decent amount of caffeine, because every time at some point my head starts pulsing and i am stretching at the seams with energy and i realize i've drunk too much.

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