my satire piece from 11th grade

jillian went home recently and brought back a ton of crap that was stored there. it's strange that she still has this stuff. lord only knows where all of my high school stuff is. heh, raeka has all of her elementary through high school stuff in filing cabinets in her basement at home. no joke. anyways, i must have written this during high school, because it has my name on it. it's pretty funny. certain sentences made me laugh out loud. even better because i have no recollection of this at all. there are certain grammatical errors, and some stylistic changes i would make now, but i'll transcribe it here as is. (it's topical, too. i am current)

Y2K My Way
People of the Earth! The day of doom is approaching. Judgement is upon us. Apocalypse comes! What am I talking about? Not the AP exams, or the SATs, but something far worse. Something that signals the end of civilization as we know it. The year 2000 is less than one year away! Never mind that the millenium really begins on January 1st, 2001; the year 2000 will crash computer systems across the world. As any Newsweek reader worth their salt can tell you, the world will explode on 12:01:01, as their multiple articles dutifully report to us. For some reason, geniuses that can program computers never realized that the year 2000 would come eventually. In the interest of saving time, or perhaps just plain laziness, these programmers dated everything in two digits: day/month/year. Now that the year 2000 is practically here, all computers will 00 as the year 1900, and that means electricity, communications, transportation, banks, businesses, government, and everything else that fat, contented homosapians rely on to improve their lifestyles will turn on their human masters and destroy everything in sight. What can we do about this? What drastic measures must the human race take to save ourselves from the evil of technology before it annihilates us? I've spent many a sleepless night praying for a solution, a way to survive the oncoming disaster. After being bombarded multiple times by stray plummeting waste, and suffering a minor concussion, I experienced an epiphany.
Effective immediately, the world will revert to the Middle Ages. Every piece of junk that has been invented after the 1100's will be smashed into little itty-bitty pieces. Anyone who knows how to build this stuff, or even fix it, will be smashed into little-er itty-bitty pieces [ok, one thing i really want to change, is little-er itty bitty pieces to little-er itty-er-bitty-er pieces-er]. Do we need this crap? NO!!! It is better to destroy our civilization before it becomes our undoing then to just face the Y2K problem logically and calmly. The rampant paranoia and general ignorance of science that was the atmosphere of the Middle Ages is a much more viable solution than reprogramming the computers. Our world will be carved into individual fiefdoms, each under the power of one supreme world dictator, who will be elected by popular vote. Since I understand the momentous importance of keeping the election fair and honest, I volunteer myself to the onerous task of counting the votes. The world can do without computers, clocks, indoor plumbing, electricity, cars, telephones, or television.
The benefits of my plan are too numerous to list, but I'll try my best. first of all, and most importantly, our computers won't go berserk and crush us humans like insects since they'll be in itty-bitty pieces. People who can't figure out the Internet won't feel like idiots anymore. Those damn annoying collect call commercials and Paul Reiser won't be bothering us anymore. Movies and popcorn won't be expensive, because they'll no longer exist. Any pet peeves caused by technology will be gone. Guns and bombs and nuclear missiles will all be dismantled or thrown into the sun. People will have to revert to using a good old-fashioned sword in order to kill others. Also, the advantages to the environment are a great incentive. Factories will no longer cause smog and acid rain, air conditioners will no longer dissipate the ozone layer, pesticides will no longer poison rivers and endangered species, etc. etc. Make-up companies will stop testing their products on rabbits. Lab rats will not be infected with AIDs and cancer for the greater good. Those eco-terrorists will stop pestering everyone. And best of all, everyone can relax. Knowing that the year 2000 will not bring oblivion can be a great stress-reliever. Without this worry hanging over their heads, people can go back to working the fields, work that was formerly done by evil computerized machines that are biding their time.
Some people might say that I'm going too far, that I'm exaggerating the effects of the Y2K bug. They say that it's no big deal, and that programmers are already fixing the problem. They say there is nothing to worry about. To them I say, "better to be safe than sorry." What if they are right? Then we'll have destroyed civilization for nothing besides a wild, hysterical paranoia. That would be too bad. They argue that we need cars, telephones, computers, television, video games, electricity, etc. According to them, without technology, mankind would be no better than the lowest animal. The construction and employment of tools by mankind elevates us above all other species. But what if they are wrong? What if our computers develop emotions and self-awareness? Now they're only beating us at chess, but in less than a year they will supplant us as masters of the Earth unless we take drastic measures. Who hasn't seen the movie Terminator 2? That's what I thought [checkmate. bam!]. I can see the faces of multitudes alight with joy, freed from the burden of learning how to program a VCR, or type without looking at the keyboard. To those of you who recognize my wisdom, onward (or should I say backward?) to a new (old?) millenium! To those of you who perceive my revelation as insanity, you'll be sorry when your television takes control of your mind and makes you watch horrible shows like Dawson's Creek or Felicity, Veronica's Closet, World's Funniest Home Videos, or the X-Files. To the perceptive, intuitive people out there who realize exactly how dangerous this Y2K bug is, I hope you will support my plan to end civilization. After all, anything is better than having our computers think that it is the year 1900. What could be worse? Even destroying all the helpful technology that has been centuries in the making is better than that. So people of the world, unite. Pessimists who foresee the end of the world on January 1st, 2000, destroy every appliance, every tool, every invention that improves your life and help me make the world a better, safer place.

damn that was long. I feel like this could be adapted to the FCC (stupid colin powell's stupid son), or homeland security (stupid tom ridge) pretty easily.