it's been a long time. i have a lot to talk about, and a lot i should put down here, for posterity. i probably won't get around to most/any of it. but, i have work tomorrow. hopefully i'll wake up obscenely early for no reason and go in at 9am. ha. and then i can blog there.
i'm definitely buying a digital camera. i've always sort of wanted one. for various reasons. i feel like memories aren't real. what are they? you can invent memories, you can forget them, or you can just ignore them. i don't remember spending every day with jillian, my friend from home, when we were little. i'm sad about that. but there's a complete blank there. how did that happen? i was fairly old; this was around 1st or 2nd grade, i think. that's pretty messed up.
photographs are real. i guess you could say they can be doctored, but come on... i'm not framing anyone (for a crime, not in a photograph. weird that it could mean two such different things). i just want some way to remember my life. i know i will need it when i'm older.
i can't handle a real camera. i've tried. the film, the processing, the albums... impossible. i have bunches of photos still in the package CVS gives them back to us in. and some empty photo albums. and probably some undeveloped film somewhere.
so digital cameras seem like such a good idea. but my computer still has a messed up hard drive. it's going to crash eventually. i could burn all my pics onto cd, but that's also a pain. and they're still not physical, in a way, i want an album full of photos of scenes, places, and people from my life. i just don't want to have to compile it myself.
it's like this summer, when i thought about paying $30 or something for summer access to columbia's gym. i just kept not. and it kept being less and less worth it.
i can't buy a crappy camera. if i get one, i want it to be decent, around $400, probably. and i'd have to buy a better memory card, and maybe a better battery. and what have i got left? 3/4 of my senior year. most of my friends from freshman year i don't even like much anymore. all those dorms, all the views from carman 10 and 47 claremont and woodbridge (shaft here, i guess), all the cool places i've gone, the parties i've been to, the onetime events i've crashed, i've already missed these things.
i remember one rainy night, looking out north over amsterdam from the ec bridge and being amazed by the lights. and every winter, i stare at college walk for hours. these things, i need to save them. why am i waiting?
i promised mary i wouldn't write anything about her, if she couldn't read this blog. she doesn't enjoy me saying that she's a huge fucking bitch. what bothers me about that, is i don't even understand exactly what bothers her. is it me thinking she's a bitch? because not writing about it doesn't mean i don't think it. is it that i might make other people think she's a bitch? that just makes her a bitch!
so i broke my promise here, sort of. but i felt like explaining that. and i'm not calling her a bitch here. and i doubt this changes anyone's opinions of her.
i wish i had a picture with mary. i don't think a single one exists, even from other friends' cameras. for the person who's had the largest impact on the "best" 4 years of my life, that makes me sad, sometimes. considering the time we've spent together, and all the times we've gone out, there should at least be something. but in 30 years, no one's going to remember. not even me. i hope? do i hope that? i'm not sure.
she has a picture of her in pete's lap, grinning at the camera, on her windowsill in ec. in a pretty frame and everything. and i imagine there must be bazillions of pictures of her and marisa. i guess i was just never up there in her life.
yeah, so digital camera. can't let things keep disappearing around me, passing by forever, without making any attempt to capture it. futile, right?
that sounds like the end of the post. but i forgot to write this part. i did the organizations section of my yearbook senior year. the captions for every photograph in my section are _hilarious_! i was so money when i wrote them. i would seriously bring it with me to school, and just carry it around with me to show off to friends. it's that good. but i figure i can sell myself on more than just my yearbook talents from high school.
but this whole thing came up, and i reached my final decision, because i was just looking at catherine's photos of the halloween party. i could think of a ton of great captions for those pictures (i keep writing captain instead of caption. it's instinctive. odd, eh?). but it would be pretty sad to caption (damn, did it again just now) someone else's photos. so i gotta do it myself.
end! long.
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