freak out!!!

long absence. sorry. i have much to blog. i don't think i'll do most of it. what's on my mind right now:

i'm freaking out now. i got my LSAT score back on sunday (which was 22 days, you late LSAC bastards). i got a 172. 172!!! i am so happy with it. i was scoring 175 on practices, but at that level, you can't complain. it's 99%. sure, some people scored higher than me, but not many.

this is great. this is also horrible. i didn't have to think about things before. i could wait until after i got my LSAT score back. now i've got it back. now i have to think. now what do i do? with my life? with my intelligence, with my education, with my abilities? with my interests (haha, as if this one matters)?

there's new pressure. law school was a possibility, not a definite. if i did well on the LSATs, i would apply, otherwise, why bother? shit. i did well. now i have to apply. and i can't do it halfassed. i need to really write out these apps. i need to put time into my personal statement. i need to talk to my professors, and somehow wrangle favorable recs out of them. i need to get off my fucking ass this semester, because it matters again, and even though i don't care, my future cares for me. my responsibility to my parents, who gave me all my intelligence (fuck nurture. it's all genetics), to my brother, who isn't as smart as me but wants me to succeed more than i do, and to myself. even though i don't care - and it's not a pretense, i really don't. don't worry, it makes sense to me - i know that however many years from now, i'll be glad i worked, or i'll hate myself because i didn't. i don't know.

college was a definite. of course i had to go to college. that's a sure bet. it's safe, there's no other move to make. the best way i can think of to describe it is when i play lost cities with tao. no one else will understand this, but: it's like playing the next highest card on your venture. it's an assured correct move, and it buys you time while you draw another card. you can't go wrong playing a 3 after a 2, and you get to draw another card after playing the 3, and you can assess your options again with this new card in your hand.

law school is not a 3. it's a 5, or a 6. i could be skipping cards. i could lose points on this. what if i draw the 4 right afterwards and it was a mistake to play that 6? how can i know?

why am i going to law school? it's more borrowed time. some more energy for my legs to burn while i tread water. my brother said i'd do well on the LSAT, which is very important to admission. i did well on the LSAT. calvin's dad is an intellectual property lawyer. ip law is only open to those with engineering degrees, eliminating much competition. law is a prestigious, well-paying career. i don't want to work as an engineer. i don't understand circuits, and i certainly don't like them. what else can i do, get a real job and a real life? become a real adult?

my (cynical) reasoning is this: everyone hates their job. if i can find a tolerable one, that's pretty good.

austin vehemently disagrees with me on this point. he loves his classes. his research, his work. he's applying to graduate school because he wants to learn more. i say he's lucky. not many people are gifted with so many interests, not to mention the natural talents and abilities to pursue and make a career out of them. i don't think i am. what do i do for fun? i read books. i don't want to write, and i don't think i could if i wanted to. i play video games. i can't code. i know, i've tried. playtester isn't exactly financial security. i make fun of people. how could that possibly be a job? i play frisbee. if i was good enough to play past college in the first place, it's not even a career.

i had a long talk with my friend Ariel about this. he helped a LOT. whew. thanks buddy. his story: he's my year, from the same town of Longmeadow. went to embry riddle aeronautical university, graduated a year early, decided he does not want to be a pilot. he's been killing time, exploring possibilities while staying at home with his parents and working water-treading jobs. a host at bertucci's, a repo phone guy for honda. he almost went through with joining the IDF (Israeli Defense Forces) and the US Airforce before changing his mind for various (good) reasons. he just quit at honda and is leaving on thursday for New Hampshire to intern for the Howard Dean presidential campaign for three months.

i feel like he's a peek into our future, since he's our year but he graduated early. he's got good perspective on all of this. i don't feel like going into our conversation, but he was able to sort a lot of things out for me.

it's kind of disappointing... afterwards i was trying to explain to kelsey what this feeling is in my gut, and why it's there. i hope it's because she can't understand, and not because she doesn't care, but she completely did not get it.

this whole thing made me miss makiko so much. i wonder if she felt this same fear, and how she dealt with it. it also reminded me to write her about visiting in the winter, which should be awesome.

wow. i think i got most of it out now. the feeling in the pit of my stomach is still there. but i know what it is, and why it's there. more or less... maybe i can start on this data structures assignment due in 9 hours.