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i really don't think i'm that far off.

failure. i'm most afraid of failing.

people might think that odd, considering how much work i do. in anything. i don't go to class, i don't do my psets (well, i do them, but not especially well). i don't study, i don't read the texts.

i don't think i've ever considered school important. i don't think i've ever really worried about failing, academically, because i always knew i could do enough to get by, no matter what.

but this waitlisted business has me thinking. if i had done my apps in october instead of january. if i had gotten to know my professors better. if i had joined more extracurricular organizations. and of course, my gpa.

still, i know that if i don't get into ucla or umich off the waitlists this year, i'll get into somewhere decent next year. that's a certainty. almost. which is why it would be really nice to have been accepted this year, to already have that guarantee that i did not fail here at my undergraduate education.

the blame for this post lies with the theme of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," which i found shared on itunes. i've got it on repeat and it just makes me wish i could go back and fix every stupid thing i've ever done (not just school, but i don't feel like writing about the rest). the movie is really amazing. i need to make everyone i know see it. oh, and catherine too, she needs to see it again, this time not in the first row of the theater. amazing. maybe i'll go see it again tomorrow. hmm.

waitlisted at ucla!

a song of ice and fire is incredible. but in some ways it reminds me of 13 grams (was it 13?) and house of sand and fog.

arya stark should not have left sandor clegane to die. and if she wasn't going to help him, she should have killed him. but this way it's possible that he's still be alive, at least.

when shae testifies against tyrion lannister and the entire court laughs at him... that is only the worst of what tyrion suffers. good god. what happens to him is so not right.

catelyn stark kind of sucks. and i expected robb to die, but it was still shitty the way it happened.

the duel to decide tyrion's innocence regarding the murder of his nephew joffery is so awesome. up until oberyn, who we are led to believe has won, instead gets crushed to death by gregor clegane.

every chapter in jaime lannister's perspective makes him that much more a person. which is confusing. why isn't he just plain evil? i guess nothing is black and white. especially all of the choices he was forced to make. every time a person judges him, i feel bad for him, which is annoying.

did martin create the character of theon to be a worthless shithead from the very beginning? he really was incredibly foolish until the moment he died. and every time he made an awful choice, he thought to himself, i had no other choice.

i love this series, but it's really upsetting me. maybe i should take a break.

i got sick after playing a lot at yale. i got really sick after playing a lot lot at sectionals. conclusion: playing a lot = bad.

at the same time, i am happy that coach finally sees me. i'd much rather be miserable over the week than have wasted the weekend standing on the sidelines. even if it is as a "defensive specialist," or some shit like that. whatever, i scored some... almost always when someone caught a huck within 5 feet of the goal line. oh, or when the other team drops it right near their endzone and they're not even paying attention. i love those.

when i told goy about giving mio an athsma attack, he assumed it was me on offense and him covering me. when he asked me if i ran him into the ground on o, i realized i didn't remember an instance of him covering me. what should i do about that? i really only like fast break offense, when the defense is surprised and off balance. it always takes me too long to cut when my man is set up on me. along a similar vein, i really liked silent scope (an arcade game where one shoots terrorists and such with a sniper rifle), but only while the terrorists had no idea i was there. as soon as they started shooting back at me, the fun level dropped significantly. does that say something about me?

i have been noticing a significant increase in people calling me an asshole/jackass. well, jess would call me an asshole if i bought him flowers and started volunteering in a soup kitchen. i think he's worse than i am, but i could be wrong. sai understands me, i think. garrett calls me an asshole, but i'm not the one that stuck him with the name Lumber and enforced it. maybe it's only garrett that has been mentioning it. i don't know what catherine thinks; i felt pretty bad about being mean to her one night at amcafe, but when i called her the next day and apologized, she wasn't even offended in the first place. oh, rachel's boyfriend isaac though. the guy does not know me, and he asks me if i've ever been slapped. am i wrong to take offense at that? he's nice enough, but he lacks some of the tact. and he clearly doesn't understand how i work... do i hang out with the kind of girls that slap people? i hope not. do i harass strangers off the street that could possibly slap me or hit me with a purse? nope. if i thought saying something would honestly offend him or her, would i say it? nope.

this is bothering me a lot, i think i'm going to say something to rachel about it tomorrow.

i got waitlisted at michigan.

i meant to blog a bunch of stuff but i never got around to it because i never went to work on friday.

my mom came into the city on friday (she's on april vacation) and took home a bunch of stuff for me.

ed met us at the restaurant to go home with mom, and again, in 20 minutes, reminded me why i can not go home for the summer.

i've been really sick. throat and such. hacking hacking cough. phlegm all over the place. now my throat is recovering but i have a massive cold and i can't breathe through my nose.

i played beer pong on friday night anyways. love that beer pong. i get much better as i drink.

i went to mike liu's today, and had a fantastic barbeque dinner. i do feel really bad about trying one bite of that cold cheeseburger and not being able to eat anymore. i honestly almost retched it up, i really did try to eat it. i'm sorry, but i really don't feel well. this morning, i was real hungover, and the train ride there felt hellish, but playing mini made me feel much better.

i never finished up blogging about spring break. oh well. i should've done it by good moments instead of minute by minute. now i don't feel like going back and filling in what i left out.

i never blogged about eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. god, that movie was incredible. i've never had a relationship like that, and the funny thing is the movie makes me unsure whether or not i would want one. but the movie made me want to go back and start over with anyone i've ever fucked things up with. not that i'm going to. i watched it a second time not long after seeing it for the first, and i still loved it. catherine and i were in the front row though, and my eyes really hurt afterwards. catherine said she liked it but it wasn't that great to her. i want to make her see it again from a good seat, and not after another movie, so she can really appreciate it. i still want to see it again. i remember amanda posted about very few (two?) movies ever making her cry, and during the movie i saw catherine wiping at her eyes, but i think that's just because she was tearing up from sitting so close. if i was the type to cry at the movies, this one would warrant shedding a few tears.

plan to bum around the city and such for as long as i can is not exactly progressing. i'm optimistic about corey's place. i don't know which freshmen would let me bum in their dorm housing... housing a moocher in one's single can get trying very fast. and i think john baldwin really will let me stay at his place. and for out of the state, i still have austin don and austin. and wherever mike lives in seattle. oh, and casey in wisconsin at his brother's pad. hey, that's really not bad.

tomorrow i'm going to brooklyn. what's there? grimaldi's, the new york aquarium, prospect park, and the brooklyn bridge (sort of), or so i've been told. which direction is brooklyn, even? i'm going to guess south. so i'm thinking we'll go to grimaldi's for lunch, walk around the aquarium for 2, maybe 3 (i forget how long it takes for me to get sick of walking) hours, and walk across the bridge back to manhattan. i have no idea where any of these places "are," mind you. it'll work out, i hope. catherine said she'd go with me, which is all i really need. i really love hanging out with her. other people have expressed interest as well, but for the sake of catherine's design project, we'll try not to dawdle. i don't think i got an actual YES from anyone else, though.

headphones
i've got an ipod! the biggest one! the fat one with the biggest brain. i couldn't not get it. some guys would understand...

i owned a cd player in middle school, i think. i never bought CDs. i own maybe 10 CDs total. i never even listened to music until i got to college. it was more of a principle thing than anything else... i'm not going to pay 15 or 20 dollars for this CD that cost the record company pennies to mass produce.
whatever, napster, then lan connection, then kazaa/morpheus/sharescan/dc/whathaveyou, so now i listen to music. whenever i'm sitting in my room and i'm not playing video games or watching tv, something is playing in the background. it's strange to think what i was doing instead of listening to music when i was growing up. i guess that's why i read so much?

when i'm listening to music, i feel like i'm making up for lost time. i think it makes listening even better.

so the reason i started this post was to explain how i've never walked around outside with headphones on. it's really kind of strange. i ran into dave on my way to work and i didn't notice him until he was right in front of me. i feel like it's a sensory overload to be outside AND have headphones blasting directly into one's ears. after dave surprised me without trying to, i got kinda paranoid and kept looking around, half-expecting a car to come barrelling at me as soon as i stopped paying attention. i don't understand how people with headphones on don't just walk into oncoming traffic.

also, my ears kinda hurt. is this just because i'm unused to headphones? or do i have misshapen ears? or am i just wearing these suckers wrong?

god, my ipod is beautiful. i am going to cry when it gets its first scratch.

ipod!!!
i got a package at 9:35 am today. it's gotta be my ipod! only obstacle is this stupid sci comp problem set that has me baffled. chances of me just not doing it and going to the package room within the next hour...

clowns
i'm inordinately proud of myself for this:

ericthehodgeheG: clowns only eat children 15 or under

Auto response from Nephratari 1: Can't sleep....clowns will eat me.....

ericthehodgeheG: mostly virgins, so you're _definitely_ safe

babies
does anyone else get annoyed with those commercials that just _need_ to show a baby's butt? i just don't see the point.

question
do i get more ass than i deserve? and, how much ass do i deserve???

abrasive funny
the two past posts were from last friday. i wrote them up in notepad, forgot to post them, and then didn't come back to work until today.

wednesday i went out to toss with catherine and then ran into tricia. so tricia and i went down to saji's for dinner, after stopping by the heights and hearing tao rage about his cajun popcorn shrimp. i got the salmon maki trio, but more importantly, we learned that saji's has a early bird deal: 4-5:30 PM (in case you're a moron and think it's am, somehow, like jess), either chicken teriyaki don, beef curry, or oyako don for $3.99. and they'll deliver it too, you don't have to go there.

i also FINALLY got my pictures from japan developed. there are a couple bad ones; i am no photographer. but overall i'm happy. don says i should be proud that my finger is not in a single photo, as opposed to the 10% or so of pictures he took while in australia. austrailia? there's a good one of me inside doraemon (it's a children's ride) but you can't see me through the window that is his mouth. i really ought to write that thank you note for makiko's family now. it was pretty impossible to get makiko to be in any pictures. it took too much begging and pleading to be worth it, usually.

yesterday i ordered the chicken teriyaki bowl promptly at 4 pm and it was pretty good. just so y'all know. and jess says the oyako don was good too. filling.

amcafe last night was pretty great. sometimes i worry i'm playing my part too well, though. i know i'm nice inside. i think most people do, too. so why do i act like a jerk? _i_ think i'm pretty funny. which is all i really need. i don't even care if other people find me amusing. but, at some point, maybe i really will become mean inside. still...

me physically forcing catherine to go talk to that girl who played frisbee last semester - funny
catherine and her having an ok conversation, and the girl turning back to her friends when she thought they were done - kind of awkward funny
catherine sucking her back in with, "so, how are you doing? are you having a good time?" - fall down on the ground HILARIOUS
me laughing so hard i can't stand up while catherine is trying to talk to the poor girl - even more hilarious

me telling the cute-ish waitress that jess is still a virgin, pure and innocent - funny

me telling garrett whatever mean horrible things i told him - funny

i'm gonna stick with it for now.

photos
i've finally started taking pictures. my mom gave me 2 disposables and a camera with some extra rolls of film before i left for japan and HK and china, and i completely forgot to bring them. then i forgot to bring them on spring break. but now, i'm taking pictures! i got a picture of me and raj before the senior soiree, some pictures at cara mia, and 2 differently angled shots of my cubicle here at work (i figure that'll be interesting in 20 years).

what else should i take pictures of here in the city? one thing i want to do is walk along the GW bridge during sunset and take some photos. it doesn't even have to be sunset, as long as i can see the skyline.

cara mia
last night i went to Cara Mia, between 45 and 46 on 9th avenue, courtesy of the Longs. Don's parents are in town for Dean's Day and we went to the same place as last semester when Don's mom was here on a business trip. As you can probably guess, it was an Italian restaurant. I really liked it; they had a large wine selection (which doesn't interest me, but it's still nice), large, reasonably priced entrees - nothing over $20 (unless the specials are, but i hope not), and free bruschetta and bread.

i got the red snapper fillet, and carpaccio for an appetizer. i also ate a bunch of don's potatoes and spinach. oh man, i barely made it back in time. i had to run to the bathroom in lerner because it was closer than ec. eating so much put me out of commission for the rest of the night, so i didn't go to see big fish at lerner or go out to lion's head / amcafe with jess and whoever else.

overall, night was a success. that much good food and for free can't be a bad thing. don's parents are really nice; i wonder how don came out so abrasive.

i want to write like tao
i made two posts in notepad while at work on friday and then forgot to blog them before i left. i'll upload em on monday. sorry.

and

crap. i read other people's blogs. especially tao's. and man, he's good. at blogging. that's what i meant by especially tao's, as i read blogs more or less equally. let me share my impressions of them, and see who i can upset (order from amanda's blog):

jess: i stopped reading yours a few weeks ago. it's too goddamn narcissistic. mostly you blog about your charmed life and i know enough about it from hanging out with you, so i don't need to read about it also. no offense.

mike liu: infrequent and kinda spacey. much like you, mike. i do like how the tone is generally happy.

stoops: it is a shame that you're taking yours down. you always seem so stoic in person, and it really surprised me the first time i read your blog and learned there was all this stuff upsetting you. i don't mean your blog is complain-y, although i'd say 87% of all blogs are based on the author's need to vent/whine. but really, one day, million dollar naked woman-car.

tao: i always feel the urge to blog after reading your blog. that's why i'm blogging right now. because you write very well, and a lot of the time i read entries that could have come out of my mind. now, i think i can turn a phrase rather well when teasing someone, but when it comes to my thoughts, it's different. i'm glad your blog is there so i can figure out how i would've said that thing i'd been meaning to say. good lord, i suck at writing.

casey: i like your blog because it does not seem self-conscious at all. it reads like you're writing without concern about how it'll be read. good lord, i suck at writing.

makiko: you usually just confuse the hell outta me with your musical or political entries. i just skip those. yeah, you're too much with the smart topics. sorry.

mara: why aren't you on amanda's list? weird... i like yours because it's always so full of enthusiasm. i have no idea how you do it, but you are excited about everything you write about. it's really cool. even though i feel like i'm reading a middle school girl's journal.

amanda: i like it when your posts trail off in vowels, like a cartoon character falling off a cliff. and as lawrence said, your rants always end in godhood. *shakes fist* oh god, that post by stoops was pretty incredible. except for his impression of me.

krischelle: there's no way you still read this, you crazed raging self-deluded feminazi demon bitch. but in case you do: i can't help reading your blog, and every time i do i feel pity for all the women in the world who think they're empowered because they enjoy sex and have a large vocabulary but are in actuality just victims victims victims.

if anyone's curious about that last one, ask me for the story behind it. it's not bad. always happy to share.